2020 New Year Resolution: Recovering Agency

On New Year's Day of 2019 I woke up in a casa particolare (B&B) of Centro Habana. I spent the day strolling through the Malecón to La Habana Vieja. The previous night was my first encounter with Cuban culture.  New Year's Eve was spent dancing at many sounds of Cuban music, from traditional to hip hop and new Latin music.Spending NYE and New Year day in Habana had a special meaning for me; it represent a symbol of change in my life, which had been challenged for over five years by corruption and major financial losses. I embraced the new year thinking that 2019 would have brought major changes.

Unfortunately 2019 turned quite differently from the anticipation. After a year of useless negations, my book Form Geometry Structure is still out of print. A backstabbing after the divorce settlement brought me to civil court three times. I was humiliated and intimidated by a former judge. I had further major financial losses, but most of all, my artwork at Sun Farm, which had already been damaged, is facing destruction. 2020 started with loss and a sense of hopelessness. Making a new year resolution seemed meaningless considering how my life seems to be run by other people—the divorce parasites.

But finally yesterday—an unseasonably warm day—I had a sense of relief and hope. I went to one of my favourite places in NYC, the Hudson river waterfront. I performed my movement practice "Finding the Axis Mundi" in front of the setting sun. The sunset seems to embrace my prayer and made me feel calmer. I realized why I felt so overwhelmed and helpless: the lack of agency over my life, caused by the brutal divorce. Moving at sunset was cathartic. the immersive light brought serenity and clarity. In order to sort the horrific mess I need to act clarity and most of all, agency.

Thoughts | 2017 Year Resolution and First Snowstorm in NYC

Uncannily the first snowstorm of 2017 in New York coincides with the first storm of the year in my family life. Uncanny is the adjective which best describes how my personal life events are situated within a general social context. Or perhaps such link is not really uncanny but that be explained in a very fast two-way ripple effect from the private to the public or the personal to the political realm.
    For over two years I have  thrown in the dystopian world of divorce : greed driven strangers dig their claws into the most personal life of confused individuals. There is no regulation to such display of human cruelty and greed: vultures wearing suits do not respect grief or intimate relationships. I am referring to divorce attorneys, one of the worst examples of human nature I have ever encountered.
    The past few years' year resolution have failed, due to struggling with pressure from life events independent from my control. This year I have decided of not making any new year resolution. The acceptance of what I can control and recognition of what I cannot will be driven my resilience plan for the upcoming year.

The first snowstorm of 2017, from Central Park

Thoughts | Celebrating By Not Celebration

"Family" holidays have always been difficult for me, at least since when I moved to the US, as an immigrant without community and unwelcomed by my husband's family. But in the past year holidays have been particularly challenging, when my still legal spouse left me with our daughter after over two decades. I don't miss him considering the almost constant emotional, verbal and mental abuse I was subjected too. Neither I miss his elitist, privileged and uncompassionate family. But his departure brought to the surface two decades of pain, anger and neglect.

Mother's day unfortunately does not escape from this pain and while my thoughts are for my ill mother, Gabriella, and still dealing with my husband's mental cruelty and effort to separate me from my daughter Zoe even in this day.

I would like to share a few thoughts inspired by my effort to live through this difficult day, which I am sure I am not the only to experience in emotional pain —although all the cheerful materialistic celebrations. 

There is no need for flowers or chocolate: a peace of mind and kindness are the most valuable gifts. 

Take time for a quiet prayer or meditation, a simple dance movement, or listening to your favorite music. Or a walking meditation.

Escape the pressure of this day by reminding yourself of your beauty as a woman, daughter, mother.

Celebrate yourself. 

emotional survival practices | First Sunrise

On Sunday October 19 I experienced an extremely painful emotional situation. After an almost sleepless I tried to get up and encounter the sun rising behind the Upper East Side buildings from one of my favorite places in Central Park: the reservoir. The meditative focus on the sun water reflection had an healing effect, bringing some solace in this emotional rollercoaster.

Mapping the healing walk toward the sunrise